Found This On Craig’s List

It has been a rough year darling. The ethereal power of Craig’s List will get this message to you I am sure, like in some sort of cheesy 80s movie.

Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Italian place in Wicker Park, who on the surface seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 25th which went well, your ladies are in top form and I think some engagements are brewing. Ellen is turning up the heat on Steve who will soon be forced down to one knee as you predicted.

Last weekend I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favor to me than anything else. Liz cried when we pulled out all of your shoes, Miranda joined in and then Catherine broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by three crying girls. I made a joke about them crying for joy at the prospect of some free Manolo Balhniks which they didn’t seem to find very funny.

A few girls have put the moves on me and as you know picking up women is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving boyfriend turned out to be a good angle. Who knew?! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor girl. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now.

I found one of those hair tie things that somehow managed to squeeze into every crevice in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out.

Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us in Paris, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me.

Love,

P.

… Um… Wow.

Day Old Blues

I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation or multiple lifetimes. But I’ve also no reason to disbelieve it. It’s quite possible and I find myself constantly analyzing the people around me, trying to figure out if  they’re an old soul or new sprout.

My Sister, for example, strikes me as a brand new soul. She’s experiencing everything for the first time, with enthusiasm and curiosity, always careful not to compromise her ideals and morals.

Then there are people, like me, who may not be an “old soul,” but it’s definitely not my first rodeo. Despite my “woes me!” attitude to the events in my life, I am surprisingly resilient. I know down in my soul that sometimes shit happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just take it like a man, and move on to the next thing. There’s always something else around the corner. I don’t concern myself too much with the mysteries of “what’s gonna happen next?” But I definitely like dissecting a situation in my head and figuring out as much as I can about the people involved. I love figuring people out.

What makes them tick. Why they react the way they do to an event. What’s happened to them in the past that’s made them this way. I love it. Furthermore, I find that I’m a people pleaser to an extent. I like to hold a group together, keep people as happy as possible, using what I’ve learned about who they are I work a lot behind the scenes to make sure other people remain friends with each other. I mediate, and bring clicks together. It’s very weird when you think about it. This just tells me I’ve been around long enough to know that everything is better when people just get along. And so I instinctively do whatever I can to keep the peace in my circles.

Then you meet a real old soul. A person whose wisdom extends beyond just education and life lessons. This is a person who understands life and how to live it. A person who knows what to do every time something goes wrong. Someone who tells you meaningful stories that inspire you and change your life. Someone who can give you advice on any subject, and you can always count on it.

I need more old souls in my life. I know enough new ones who I can sometimes guide in the right direction. Not very many on my strange middle level. And I only know a small handful of what I’d consider Old Souls.

If you believe in that sort of thing.

… That’s just something I was pondering earlier.

Remember

I have to admit, I’m proud of myself.

I’ve just about dug myself out of that deep dark hole I had fallen into. I’ve purchased a car… FINALLY! All I need now is tags and insurance and I’m good to go.  The simple fact that I own my own vehicle again fills me with so much confidence. I wont have to drive the chick repellant van anymore and I can actually ask a girl out without worrying about scaring her off with my ugly ass van.

I’ve also enrolled in school and start that in January. I’m starting off with just a couple of internet classes, in order to get into the swing of having to study and do assignments again. That way I’m mentally prepared once I take actual classes in an actual classroom in the summer. Not to mention I enjoy my new job and will be letting go of HOB by summer time, giving me a change of scenery and pace and allowing me to go to school more easily.

I’m meeting new people, making new friends, restrengthening old friendships and developing strong bonds with new ones. I’ve embraced this new me. The new me has found peace and calm in logic and fact. I can’t rely on blind faith and old teachings anymore. The new me also is far more laid back and relaxed than the old me. I can probably thank the pot for that. Then there’s the fact that my senses are so finely tuned these days to all manner and form of creativity that surrounds me. So much so that I’ve found so much inspiration and as a result I’ve been writing my ass off lately.

Good times for the A-Train. And here’s hoping they keep getting better. Wish me luck guys. I just wanted to post this quick update. I’ll write something with a little more substance soon enough.

Fizzle My Nizzle

Things with the girl from the previous entry have fizzled. Can’t say that I’m surprised or disappointed. I really wasn’t attracted to her and while a kick ass personality and brilliant mind are important and a must-have…  I also gotta be attracted to the girl. Can’t have one without the other. (There-in lies the conundrum. Dating is stupid.)

But I continue onward! I’m the A-Train!

… Not much else to talk about, honestly. Working a lot. Excited about a few shows coming up. Reading. Writing.

Living life. Its a day by day sort of deal.

Thoughts-A-Brewin’

The subject line will make sense later. Its actually quite witty. You’ll see.

I’ve met someone. I don’t know that it’s going to go anywhere romantic. I have every reason to think it will go nowhere. Yet, I think those “reasons” are just my brain telling me I’m not good enough for anybody. I make excuses for problems that don’t exist.

She likes me. I can tell. But honestly, I have no idea why. I can’t possibly be all that charming around her because I’m not very sexually attracted to this girl. I know that’s a weird statement to make after the previous paragraph. But its true. She’s just not the type of girl I usually go for. But this chick is brilliant. She’s got a wisdom to her that I’ve yet to find in another girl. When she talks, I fucking listen. And that I find very sexy. The fact that she’s so intelligent really catches my attention. So maybe that’s what she likes about me. That I just shut up and listen to what she has to say.

More new stuff: I’ve got a new job. This makes two jobs total… so far. I’m the new guy at the local Barnes & Noble Cafe. That’s right. I’m the poor schmuck that makes your damned Venti Triple Shot Non-Fat Decaf Caramel Macchiato with Extra Whip. And I do it with a smile on my face. See, the title to this entry makes sense! And it’s witty! It’s not the most glamorous or prestigious of jobs, but it’s helping me get my ass out of debt and into school. My fridge is fully stocked, my belly’s full, bank account is good, got extra cash in my wallet, gas in my loaner’s gas tank, and weed in my bowl. Life is better than its been in a long while thanks to B&N.

I’ve been on this whole evolution-of-self kick lately. Like self-help stuff, without the self-help books that just depress me when I see them. It’s probably a Quarter-Life-Crisis. I Started carrying around a day planner to keep my work shifts straight, while also using it to better myself by assigning myself scheduled times everyday for writing my book and playing music. As well as a few nights a week set aside just for reading a book. Soon I’ll add exersizing to the mix. The day-planner also helps with all my stoney forgetfulness. I’m also buying healthier food, lower in cholesterol, and cooking almost all my meals fresh, including lunch that I pre-make and take to work. I’ve cut out fast-food almost completely, with the only exception being an occasional burger as a reward for a week well spent.

People are fascinating. Working at the coffee shop I get a lot of down time to just watch people and how they interact with other humans. This morning, for example, a woman in her forties came in and sat at a table, alone, with nothing but a stack of magazines. She was dressed appropriately for a woman her age. Her clothes matched well and appeared to be clean and well kept. Her hair was styled and her make-up was done. Nothing out of the ordinary or alarming about this particular lady. But she proceeded to sit at her table, turning the pages of her magazines, (all of which were what you would expect; Vogue, Cosmo, Generic Fashion Mag, etc.) and with each turn of the page, she would burst out in uncontrollable laughter. I mean, she was in hysterics! Causing a hell of a scene in what is otherwise a very quiet and chill place to be.

Everyone around chose to ignore the Giant Purple Elephant in the room. Nobody gave this woman any indication that they heard her continuously obnoxious laughter, nor that it made all of us want to strangle her. No one ever looked up from their book, bagel, or cup of coffee. From behind my counter I watched her as she relentlessly turned pages and laughed out loud… That’s when I noticed how she kept looking around the room at all the faces around her every time she laughed. Looking for acknowledgment. For some kind of sign that somebody hears her and is curious to know what she’s laughing at. This poor lady just wanted some attention. And not in a vain or conceited sort of way. There was a pain in her eyes. A loneliness that is all too familiar to me sometimes. And I felt bad for her. She probably just wanted someone to walk over to her table and ask, “What’s so funny?” So that she could pick a random paragraph on whatever page she was on and use it as a conversation starter that would put a momentary end to her loneliness.

Ironic, that her brain chose such a ”People-Repeller” as a way to get people’s attention. She’s pushing more people away than she’s attracting because they all assume she’s just insane. It’s a shame.

People watching. Try it. Good times.

That being said, I’m just as weird and flawed and cold as other people because I didn’t go over to her either. Although technically I couldn’t. I was working. … That’s just an excuse.

Today’s my birthday. I’m 25.

High as Fuck

more about "High as Fuck", posted with vodpod

On The Rise

Excellent! I’m pretty sure this is what “Rock-Bottom” feels like. Good! I welcome it. Why? Because there’s nowhere left to go but up! As of today, I’m officially on the rise. I have a 6 Part Plan for getting my life back on track.

Step 1 – I’m filling out my FAFSA as I write this entry. Don’t worry, I’m a multitasker. Its one of my few talents that I’m actually really good at. I’m filling it out because I am definitely going back to school next semester, and I’m so broke, the state is going to pay for it! My education will provide me with the skills and experience necessary to make a future for myself that I’ve always dreamed of. I will be a film director someday. I’ll be a house-hold name like Spielberg or Burton. My best friend in the world, a gifted musician and composer, as it turns out is also returning to school at the same time as me. He’s preparing for his dream future of being a Film Score Composer! Coincidence? I think not. Every Spielberg needs his John Williams. Every Burton needs his Danny Elfman.

Step 2 – I just returned from opening a brand-spankin’ new bank account. The plan is to put money in, and not really use the account for much of anything. I’ll document every single withdrawl with OCD-like attention to detail. I wont carry my check card on me unless I’m specifically on my way to the ATM. And because the bank is a 10 minute walk from my home, I can force myself to walk it, guaranteeing my return home, where I can return the card to its rightful place… which for those of you trying to keep up, is somewhere in my home other than my wallet, because I don’t want to carry it on me. Long story longer: I will pay off debt with cash. I will put money in my over-drawn previous account little by little on an “as I can afford it” basis until its eventually paid off and closed. I will put a predetermined amount into my shiny new account every week until it can afford to buy me a car. And so on…

Don’t blame yourself if I just lost you. That was a complicated paragraph, I know.

Moving on…

Step 3 – I’m on the hunt for employment, yet again. I have a job, yes, but I need another one. I’ve had a few good interviews but nothing’s paid off just yet. There’s not much of a plan involved in this one. My hours at H.O.B. should be on the rise over the next few weeks. I may for a few months make good money there before it gets bad again. On my days off I’m riding around looking for anyplace that may be hiring, just in case its a better job than the one I have now.

Step 4 – Meet Someone. This one’s tricky. I’m currently getting around in a borrowed ugly-ass mini-van. Not exactly a chick magnet, or even a shaggin’ wagon. It’s just screams “broke single dad.” I’m already doing everything in my power to fix my vehicle situation, but I don’t want to wait until that’s resolved before I start looking for a lady. The fact is, socially, I reside in a small group of friends, mostly found at work, with very few and far between deviations where I may hang out with an old friend I haven’t seen in a while. The fact is, I’m not usually in a situation where I can meet new people. That’s where step 4 comes in. I’m purposefully forcing myself into new places, new situations, new social circles, etc. School may be a natural way to go about that, but that’s not until January, so in the meantime I guess I’ll try match.com or something. heheh.

Step 5 – Get creative! I’m going to re-string up my guitar, tune it up, and start playing every day again. Even if for just a few minutes. My confidence level always sky-rockets when I’ve been playing guitar regularly! I’m going to start drawing again. See what kind of results I get from this new-found inspiration after a long period of feeling down. I’m going to finally get seriously cracking on my graphic novel/screenplay. In fact, I’m setting aside no less than an hour every night dedicated just to working on that! Look out bitches, here I come!

Step 6 – Optimism. I know it sounds stupid and hokey but I believe it to be true; Positive thinking leads to positive results. I’m starting each day with a fresh mug of coffee, a fresh cooked delicious and nutritious breakfast, and saying to myself “today’s going to be a good day.” For some reason I think that makes me sound desperate or pathetic. I don’t know why that is. But I assure you, I tried this yesterday morning, and I didn’t even care that evening when I got a speeding ticket coming home. Yes, it sucks I got fined for going 49 in a 40 zone. Especially since the speedometer on the van is broken and I honest-to-God wasn’t sure how fast I was going. But you know what? It could’ve been a lot worse. Somehow the cop didn’t even realize my license is suspended when he ran it through the system! I could’ve gotten arrested! So you see, getting into a positive state of mind in the morning helped me keep my cool when I got pulled over, which worked out in my favor that ALL I GOT was a fine. I tried it again this morning and it helped me accomplish Step 2! (We’ll see how the rest of the day goes.)

I’m inspired people. I’m ready to kick some ass!

A Picture’s Worth 156 Words

I saw this photo today and I got to thinking.
You see, it’s not her I miss. So don’t get this entry wrong. It’s definitely not her I need. She was all wrong for me… I see that now. I’ve seen it for quite some time.

I’ve merely come to the conclusion that all my latest string of bad luck and ever worsening quality of life, the debt, the aches in my bones, the emotional strain on my mind, and all related sadness, all would be easier to handle if I had a warm body to come home to. Someone that’ll snuggle up in bed with me and let me know everything will be alright. Someone who’ll put my ear against her heart, tell me she loves me, and melt the crappy day right off my skin.

Broken or not; I’m ready to welcome someone new into my life. I can handle it now. Bring it on.

So Close!

It’s incredible how I almost fell for it. A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

I’m just glad I realized it was a scam long before it did my life any more damage than I’ve already sustained.

Back to the drawing board and the job hunt. But in the interest of keeping to my new “Optimism” and “Positive Thinking” kick, I feel wiser and more alert. I wont be had again. And now that I’ve learned a valuable life lesson, I’ll find something better, and be a better man for it.

If you ever go to an interview, and the company turns out to be KIRBY, all I’ll say is: Do Your Research.

Seriously.

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