The subject line will make sense later. Its actually quite witty. You’ll see.
I’ve met someone. I don’t know that it’s going to go anywhere romantic. I have every reason to think it will go nowhere. Yet, I think those “reasons” are just my brain telling me I’m not good enough for anybody. I make excuses for problems that don’t exist.
She likes me. I can tell. But honestly, I have no idea why. I can’t possibly be all that charming around her because I’m not very sexually attracted to this girl. I know that’s a weird statement to make after the previous paragraph. But its true. She’s just not the type of girl I usually go for. But this chick is brilliant. She’s got a wisdom to her that I’ve yet to find in another girl. When she talks, I fucking listen. And that I find very sexy. The fact that she’s so intelligent really catches my attention. So maybe that’s what she likes about me. That I just shut up and listen to what she has to say.
More new stuff: I’ve got a new job. This makes two jobs total… so far. I’m the new guy at the local Barnes & Noble Cafe. That’s right. I’m the poor schmuck that makes your damned Venti Triple Shot Non-Fat Decaf Caramel Macchiato with Extra Whip. And I do it with a smile on my face. See, the title to this entry makes sense! And it’s witty! It’s not the most glamorous or prestigious of jobs, but it’s helping me get my ass out of debt and into school. My fridge is fully stocked, my belly’s full, bank account is good, got extra cash in my wallet, gas in my loaner’s gas tank, and weed in my bowl. Life is better than its been in a long while thanks to B&N.
I’ve been on this whole evolution-of-self kick lately. Like self-help stuff, without the self-help books that just depress me when I see them. It’s probably a Quarter-Life-Crisis. I Started carrying around a day planner to keep my work shifts straight, while also using it to better myself by assigning myself scheduled times everyday for writing my book and playing music. As well as a few nights a week set aside just for reading a book. Soon I’ll add exersizing to the mix. The day-planner also helps with all my stoney forgetfulness. I’m also buying healthier food, lower in cholesterol, and cooking almost all my meals fresh, including lunch that I pre-make and take to work. I’ve cut out fast-food almost completely, with the only exception being an occasional burger as a reward for a week well spent.
People are fascinating. Working at the coffee shop I get a lot of down time to just watch people and how they interact with other humans. This morning, for example, a woman in her forties came in and sat at a table, alone, with nothing but a stack of magazines. She was dressed appropriately for a woman her age. Her clothes matched well and appeared to be clean and well kept. Her hair was styled and her make-up was done. Nothing out of the ordinary or alarming about this particular lady. But she proceeded to sit at her table, turning the pages of her magazines, (all of which were what you would expect; Vogue, Cosmo, Generic Fashion Mag, etc.) and with each turn of the page, she would burst out in uncontrollable laughter. I mean, she was in hysterics! Causing a hell of a scene in what is otherwise a very quiet and chill place to be.
Everyone around chose to ignore the Giant Purple Elephant in the room. Nobody gave this woman any indication that they heard her continuously obnoxious laughter, nor that it made all of us want to strangle her. No one ever looked up from their book, bagel, or cup of coffee. From behind my counter I watched her as she relentlessly turned pages and laughed out loud… That’s when I noticed how she kept looking around the room at all the faces around her every time she laughed. Looking for acknowledgment. For some kind of sign that somebody hears her and is curious to know what she’s laughing at. This poor lady just wanted some attention. And not in a vain or conceited sort of way. There was a pain in her eyes. A loneliness that is all too familiar to me sometimes. And I felt bad for her. She probably just wanted someone to walk over to her table and ask, “What’s so funny?” So that she could pick a random paragraph on whatever page she was on and use it as a conversation starter that would put a momentary end to her loneliness.
Ironic, that her brain chose such a ”People-Repeller” as a way to get people’s attention. She’s pushing more people away than she’s attracting because they all assume she’s just insane. It’s a shame.
People watching. Try it. Good times.
That being said, I’m just as weird and flawed and cold as other people because I didn’t go over to her either. Although technically I couldn’t. I was working. … That’s just an excuse.
Today’s my birthday. I’m 25.
